Grief has shown herself to me many times in the past years, and especially in the past 8 months. She wants to be my friend, my constant companion. I don’t feel the same way about her as she does about me. I want her to go away, and I know that others are uncomfortable with her nagging as well. Sometimes I forget she is there for a moment, and she slithers in like a snake to start the waves of my soul crashing into each other. She brings tears to my eyes, anger to my heart, and longing to my soul.
She sits in the corner of my heart, whispering to me, reminding me of what I lost. She wants me to cry. She wants me to be upset and angry. She wants me to remember and feel my loss. She enjoys my devastation and anguish.
She makes me see Greg in places he isn’t. I gasp when I see a car like the one he drives, thinking it might be him. But then I realize I am driving his car. She brings him to me in my dreams, only for me to be disoriented and confused when I awake. She makes me think I see him in crowds, or that maybe he is calling me when my phone rings.
She reminds me of what I once had in ways that feel cruel sometimes. I see my loss in the happy couple walking down the street, holding hands. I see it in the family that is together at the fun center or at church. I hear songs that remind me of special moments we shared. Grief is always reminding me. Reminding me why I am sad, why I am angry, and what I have lost.
“What do you want from me? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I ask.
“I want you to remember. I want you to remember the good, so you recognize that you truly loved. You need to remember the bad so you can learn from it and heal. I will always be with you. I am something you will become familiar with and learn how to carry. I will change with time, but I will never leave you. I will always remind you, every single day. That’s what I do. I remind.”
I don’t want Grief to be my friend. She is a torturous companion. But it seems I will have to learn to acknowledge her as she shows me daily that she is always by my side.