Who Am I?

I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t know who I am, and I am realizing that I never did. My recent journey has been to put that puzzle together.  

I was so young when I got married. I was considered an adult, but still a child in many ways. I was in a hurry to find a partner and start a family. That’s all I cared about. I have always been a people pleaser, and I am really good at changing to be what someone else needs me to be. I realize now that I did this a lot in my marriage as well. 

Together, we were Greg and Taya. But who am I alone? Who is Taya? We grew up together in many ways, forming our identities, but in a joint fashion. I realize now that our enmeshment wasn’t healthy in some ways. I gave so much of myself to him. In a relationship, some give and take is required, and there was some of that, but I feel that I gave more, and he took more. 

Now that Greg is gone, I have realized I don’t know who I am. It took him leaving for me to realize that. I felt lost at first, wondering who I am and what I like to do. Evenings with the kids felt confusing, as I wasn’t sure what our family did together without him. 

My sleep was and is still sporadic. I think that is normal with grief, but I also feel that part of it is self-discovery and a rebellion of sorts. I find myself staying up very late, which is something I never did when Greg was here. Greg went to bed early, so I did too. Greg woke up early, so I did too. Now, I am wondering what Taya does. Does Taya really want to get up at 5 AM? Does Taya really want to go to bed at 10 PM. Not really. What kind of music do I like? What kind of food do I like? What do I want to do with my life? I am discovering all of this. 

Looking back over the past 8 months, I realize I am a different person. But I also recognize that the changes are good. I am discovering who I am. I am stronger. I have a voice. I am Taya.

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