***DO NOT READ THIS IF ANY OF MY PREVIOUS POSTS HAVE BEEN HARD FOR YOU***
My grief has been so complicated and confusing. One day I am devastated to have Greg gone, and the next I am angry with him and relieved I don’t have to deal with what life could have been had he lived (this does not mean I am glad he died). It feels like I am dealing with multiple griefs: the grief of his loss, the grief of our relationship, and the grief of my children. It feels like all the grief got thrown into a big confusing pile at the same time. That isn’t easy, and it just makes for a whole bunch of confusing feelings.
Trying to sort through all of my feelings has been difficult. In talking to some friends in a similar situation, I am realizing that I’m not alone, and that there can be more than one truth at the same time.
Truth #1 I Love and Miss Greg
I recently remembered that I used to like country music before I got married. I stopped listening shortly after I got married. Greg didn’t like country music, and we found other things we liked to listen to together. I decided to start listening to it again to see if I still like it. The song “Me and You” by Kenny Chesney came on, and it had me crumpled in a heap on the floor in tears. That was the first song we danced to at our wedding. I was taken back to that dance and the feelings I had. I was reminded of the real and true love I have for Greg and why I wanted to marry him. We had some great times together. We grew up together, created a family, and experienced life side by side for 19 years. I have real grief over the loss of Greg. I miss my friend. I miss our adventures. I miss having a partner. I miss what should have been and our dreams for our future. I did not want him to die.
Truth #2 I Don’t Miss What Was
Even though I deeply grieve the loss of Greg, I don’t long for what was. That fact is a grief in and of itself. There are a lot of things I don’t miss, and if he were to walk through the door right now, I don’t think I would run up to him with a hug. I would love to have some good conversations and settle things, but we would still have some work to do.
I don’t miss walking on eggshells. I don’t miss the anger. I don’t miss not knowing which way was up. Our house is more peaceful without Greg here. That is true, even though it is painful to say. That does not mean I am glad he died.
The Lie: You Have to Feel One way or the Other
When Greg first died, I felt like my grief was fraudulent. What right did I have to be grieving when I was so angry with Greg before he died? Why was I so devastated when I didn’t even know if I wanted to be with him anymore? Time has helped me see that my grief is not fraudulent. Greg was a very big and important part of my life. He is the father of my kids. He is my husband. Love isn’t black and white, and neither are relationships. It’s okay to have two truths, and I think it’s actually pretty normal. It’s just confusing.