It has been a little over 5 months. It feels like it has been much longer, but shorter at the same time. It’s strange how that happens. It feels like it just happened, but it also happened so long ago. This morning, one of my kids came to show me that the clothes I bought him for the funeral are too small now. That was shocking because it means it has been that long. I cried that Greg has already missed enough time for clothes to be grown out of.
For the past few weeks, I have felt the fog start to lift. All of the emotions are coming on strong, and it is overwhelming. I’ve read that this is normal, and that around 5-6 months is a common time for the grief to amplify itself. Our brains protect us by not allowing everything to hit us at once. I was angry last week, but I have realized that the anger is nice. It covers up the sadness that is just behind it. It’s easier to feel anger than sadness.
Things feel different than in the earlier stages. It was hard at first, but there was also a protective cover on the grief, and I was numb in a way. People surrounded me. Don’t get me wrong. The early stages were incredibly hard. I would never ask to go back to those days. But it’s just hard in a different way now. Reality is starting to sink in. People are starting to back off. I am realizing that this is really my life. I’m a widow with 6 kids, and there is so much on my shoulders. This is a hard life, and it is very heavy. It is not a life I signed up for. I wonder how I can make it through the years ahead, and it’s hard to believe that things will really get better or easier.
I find that I am more tender, and I am quicker to burst into tears at random moments. This has been surprising to me. Before experiencing such a big loss myself, I would have thought things would be getting better by now, but that isn’t necessarily the case.
I’m sure there is more lifting of the fog to come, and I don’t look forward to it. I know I have a lot to process, and that will include feeling a lot of sadness and anger. It is important to feel all the emotions, and it will take time. I just hope there will be plenty of happiness, joy, and laughter in between it all.
Taya, grief has so many layers. It comes and goes in waves. The reality of where you are finally hits home.
Only Heavenly Father can give you the strength to go on one day at a time. It has been almost 4 years since Dave left and I have a severe mentally ill son and a grandson to finish raising and closing the clinic. Looking back I wonder how I did it, but this I know: Greg is helping you on the other side. Never doubt that. You are watched over and loved. Linda Griffith 💗💗