August is sick today, and I’m staying home from church with him. We have been reading books and looking through scrapbooks. He brought me a scrapbook from before he was born, and it ends at Christmas, 2015, which is just a week before he was born. One week before our lives would change forever with the addition of August and also the trauma from his birth and the consequences of what happened. Looking at these pictures has made me pretty emotional. The people in these pictures have been through a lot since then. Life was pretty stable back then, and we were just living life day to day. We had our trials, but they weren’t huge or earth shattering. The earth shattering stuff was coming very soon. I see August’s birth as the beginning of our world turning upside down. August’s birth was not the joyful event it could have been. It was a very pivotal experience in my life and for our family, and it was definitely earth shattering for me.
I was such a different person. In lots of ways I wish I could go back to that person. I had such a lighter burden. I didn’t have trauma coming back to haunt me when I least expect it. I wasn’t aware of the heavy reality that half of my family has a life-threatening disorder, and I didn’t have to worry that things could change any minute. It was easier to look to the future with excitement.
How do you go on when your earth shatters? It’s hard to not get stuck in the past and want to become the old you. I have found myself trying to become what I once was many times. I think it’s natural to try to somehow get back what you once had and to long for what was. But the reality is that you can’t go back. You can only go forward and make the best of what you have now. I have realized that my life is much richer because of the hard things that have happened. My perspective is different, and I am more likely to enjoy what I have today. I have gratitude for the little things that I never thought of before. I have been able to heal from much of the heartache, see miracles, and see the light and goodness in the world around me.
Danny Gokey sings a song called “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” that reminds me of this, and has helped me put things in perspective as I have come to terms with my reality. Here are the lyrics:
You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again
I think it’s easy to live in the past. It’s easy to look back at those ‘before’ pictures and long for what was. What was seems so much easier. It WAS so much easier. I do miss those times, and I’m grateful for amazing memories of when life was lighter. That ending of a time of my life was also a new beginning. It was the beginning of some really hard things, but it was also the beginning of a lot of learning and refinement for me. It was the beginning of a new me. I’m a different person now, and I am grateful for that in many ways.
I am in a much better place than I was a few years ago, but I have recently realized I’m still coming to terms with things. I hope I can someday live with more optimism about my future. I hope to be able to better remember that I don’t have to always carry a heavy burden because of Christ and His atonement. I have a testimony that burdens can be lifted because I have had it happen time and time again. He is how I have made it this far. It is a daily choice to let Him help though. Sometimes I take the burden back without even realizing it. Life gets harder when I try to do it all by myself.
I am grateful for what I have now. Life is good. I know that years from now I will be able to look at family pictures of us now and say, “What a great time. What a beautiful family. We have so much to be grateful for.”