Sunday at about noon, I had all the kids ready for church, which starts at 1:00 PM. Greg was already at the church, and we had an hour or so until we needed to be there. I told the kids it was quiet time for a bit, and to find something quiet to do. I went to my room for a little quiet time of my own. After awhile, I heard squirting sounds followed by hysterical laughter from my two youngest boys. I smiled and wondered what they could be doing, but ignored it for a few more minutes, thinking it couldn’t be that bad. This is one of the times that thought was wrong!

My little Owen (age 4) had squirted most of our acrylic paints onto two plates. Paint was all over everything: His shirt, his pants, hands, feet, face, the table, the floor. Right before church!!!  I asked him how he felt about what he did, and he said, “I feel great!”  It was so hard to not smile too much at that statement.

I call him my mural painter because I often find his work all over the walls, furniture, and carpet. Markers, paints, you name it. He is always very proud of his work, even though he has to scrub it off the walls himself.

As crazy as it sounds, I secretly love these moments. Yes, he destroyed his church clothes, wasted paint, and created a big mess, which set us back time-wise. But, I will always remember that day, and I will look back on it with fondness. I will always remember how ‘great’ he felt, and those cute little giggles I heard as the paint was squirted out.

Then vs. Now

Owen is my 5th child, and he reminds me a lot of my oldest, Kayla. Kayla was a lot like Owen. She had a mind of her own, and she did what she wanted to do. She often did artwork around the house, and she didn’t stop doing it no matter what I did. Kayla was also a pro at playing with water in the sink and flooding the bathroom, just like Owen. It was quite distressing to me! My reaction to her artwork was much different than my reaction to Owen’s. How I wish I would have cherished that cute little girl more, and shown her more kindness when she didn’t do what I wanted her to do. I was such a different mom to her. I think maybe it’s because she’s the oldest, but I was much more tuned into her flaws.  When she made messes, she was more likely to get a mad, yelling mom than a calm one who was secretly cherishing the moment.

Owen recently asked me,

“How many days is it until yesterday?”

What a profound question! This question really hit hard for me because I have been thinking about how quickly the time flies, and how no matter how much we would love to go back we can’t. Kayla is now 13, and she has grown to be a beautiful, brilliant young woman. It feels like I was just putting her in time out for painting on the walls. It is hard to believe how quickly the time has gone. I often get emotional thinking that we only have a short 5 years or so until she is graduated and out of the house. I know it will go by quickly. Sometimes I long to go back to when she was 4 for just one day to remember the sweetness that I don’t think I noticed before. I am grateful that I don’t see her flaws first anymore, and I hope she can someday recognize that as well.

Having young children is hard, but it is also precious. Sometimes it’s hard to realize how precious it is until it’s gone. There are so many beautiful things about the chaos this stage in life brings. It isn’t easy to stop and see what there is to be grateful for in the frustrating moments, but when I do, it is always a good experience. I am working on cherishing the moments, even when they aren’t perfect. They make the very best memories.

 

It has been a little while since we had a new post. We started this blog very spontaneously, and have always been uncertain of where it was going to go. It seems that we have a little more certainty now. Greg has found a new side business opportunity – 101 Financial. It is a very exciting opportunity, and he has been very busy with it. He has decided he will no longer be a contributor to Because We Have Today. 

This has left me wondering what to do with this blog! We started it as a way to tell our story together, so not having Greg contributing changes things up quite a bit. I have thought about all the options. Do I quit doing the blog? Maybe I could continue it along the same lines of telling our story with vEDS? Or maybe I could change it up and make it my own? After much thought and prayer, I have decided to make it mine.

I feel that for some reason it is important to tell my story (part of why this blog is in existence). Maybe it’s for me. Maybe it’s for someone else. I don’t really know why. Up to this point I haven’t been as real and vulnerable as I could be, and I plan to change that. This blog is going to be the real story with all of its ups and downs and in betweens. I am excited to continue talking about our journey as we deal with vEDS. I also am excited to add some variety to my posts as I talk about motherhood, faith, parenting special needs children, homeschooling, and other things I am involved and interested in.

I have been asking this question of a variety of people: What is the most difficult thing about going through a life-changing trial? I have asked various people from all walks of life, and in a variety of situations. Hands down, the biggest thing I hear people saying is, “Nobody understands what I’m going through”. Isn’t that interesting that we all feel this way? It’s quite ironic that we all feel alone together.

I think it is very true! Nobody understands what I’m going through. Nobody truly can. I have had this feeling a lot myself. I have a different life than my neighbors, friends, and family. They don’t understand my life or my choices. They don’t understand the stresses I’m under. Even those who think they are in a similar situation don’t understand what I’m going through. Nobody understands what I’m going through. I think that may be one of the most difficult truths in this life. It makes us feel alone in the world.

What do you do when you feel alone? Is there an answer to this problem? I think there are a few answers.

Other People

I have experienced a huge amount of love and kindness from others. Others have been there for me in my biggest crises. They have taken care of my children, been a shoulder to cry on, cleaned my house, done my laundry, and the list goes on and on.  It is wonderful to have people helping and supporting. Having someone who cares can make all the difference during a difficult time or in a difficult moment.

I have found that the hardest part comes after the crisis seems to be over. Everything has settled down, and the people around you don’t always realize you are still struggling. For me, this is the hardest time. I feel that I have to deal with all the emotions and responsibilities myself, and it is easy to feel alone and that nobody understands what I’m going through.

It is very hard to do, but I have found that letting someone know I’m having a hard day can make all the difference. People want to help. They just usually don’t know how and when to help. Sometimes you have to tell them.

See the Good

It is easy to be frustrated with those around us. Sometimes they say things that are hurtful. They may throw judgment around about things they have no clue about. Sometimes you feel a complete lack of support when you need it most. These things are frustrating because you need support more than ever, and it’s hard to feel it.

You are the only one who you have control of. This is a truth that holds a lot of power. Yes, it means you can’t control anyone else, but the power is in you.  You can choose to see the good in others. You can choose your response to the actions of others

I believe that for the most part people are doing their very best with the knowledge and experience they have. They may say things that are hurtful, or give you bad advice, etc, but their intentions may be good. Even if their intentions are not good, you can always find something that is good about them. Maybe you will have to look hard, but it gets easier with practice.

I choose to see the good. It is incredibly helpful to consciously think of good things about someone when I may be feeling frustrated or unsupported. We are all just doing our best. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is very helpful to you and to them.

A Truth and a Lie

While I believe it is a truth that no one on understands what I’m going through, I think it is also a lie.We all have each other. We are brothers and sisters, and we all go through hard things. The hard things we go through may be different, and they have varying degrees of hardship.

However, I believe that every difficult experience has similarities. Different trials can teach us the same things. Hard equals hard. It isn’t right to compare trials. For someone else, something I don’t even see as difficult could be as difficult for them as what I’m going through. While this fact in and of itself can be very frustrating and triggering, I think it can also be very helpful to understand. We ALL know what it’s like to go through something difficult. Because we all experience trials, we all have some extent of empathy for others going through hard things. We have each other in this crazy, difficult life. Don’t we all understand each other to an extent?

A Look in the Mirror

After my youngest, August, was born, there was a time that I wasn’t feeling very much support. He was needing surgery, and I was having a difficult time with my emotions. We were planning to travel to Philadelphia for the surgery, which required a lot of planning and outside help. I was frustrated with others for not being able to see and anticipate my needs. I felt very alone, and that nobody understood what I was going through.

As I was feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I was wanting others to be something that I wasn’t myself.  I wasn’t the friend, sister, daughter, etc. that I was expecting others to be for me. I made a goal right then and there that I was going to be the friend, the sister, the daughter, the mother that I wanted others to be for me. It is amazing how that changed everything! I started finding myself giving out of love. I felt the joy of serving others, and it was amazing how my love for them increased as I served them. The other amazing thing that happened is that others started doing the same for me. It was incredible!

I most definitely am not perfect at this. It is a work in progress! It is always important to know when to say yes and when to say no, as I describe here.

 

Feeling Alone Forces us to Look to God

Maybe it’s a good thing that we feel alone sometimes. Sometimes we are given challenges so big that we can’t handle them alone. I think that’s part of the plan. We aren’t supposed to do this life alone. We aren’t supposed to rely on our own strength.

Sometimes, I think we are given challenges that are outside of our capacity to handle because we will be more likely to turn to God. I believe that even when no one else understands, there is One who does. Jesus Christ felt all of our sadness and pain and loneliness. He understands how we feel and what we need. We can always find empathy there. He is the only one who truly understands what you are going through. He can help us and comfort us like no one on this Earth can.

I have felt my burdens be lightened as I have turned to God for help. Because of the hard things I have gone through, I have a much stronger relationship with Him. I know that even I feel that I am all alone and that no one understands, He does. He is always there.

3 Strategies to Feel More Understood

In summary, we have discussed 3 ways to feel more understood (with a few other little gold nuggets scattered throughout). If you can truly do these things, you will see that while it is true that nobody truly understands what you’re going through, there are ways to feel less alone.

1. See the good in others. Notice that while they may be imperfect (just like you), they are doing their best. Find something good about them and/or their efforts
2. Look in the mirror. Be the kind of friend or family member you want for yourself. You will find this to be extremely rewarding.
3. Look to God. Remember that Jesus Christ understands exactly what you are going through. You always have someone who truly understands. Sometimes we are given things we can’t handle alone so we will look to God and ask for help. He is there. You are not alone!

I know that as you do these 3 things, you will feel empowered. You will feel more understood and much less like nobody understands what you’re going through.

 

 In the months that followed my hospital stay, I struggled physically, but I struggled mentally as well. I began to lose confidence in myself. I began to question everything about my existence to that point. I wondered how long I had left to live and got extremely discouraged about my situation. I had a hard time fighting the negative emotions. It seemed like they were always there in my mind and that there was nothing I could do to get away from them, no matter how hard I tried. I wrote about my emotions almost every day, but my situation didn’t change. I didn’t expect it to since my condition is permanent. That discouraged me even more. I was in a dangerous place to say the least.

Even though I was in a dangerous place mentally, I was also on the verge of a major breakthrough. One day when I was feeling discouraged, I discovered the power of feeding positive thoughts to my mind. I had heard of positive affirmations before from my mentor, Kirk Duncan, and had used some that he gave me, but the affirmations he gave me were just to get me started in discovering my own truth. At that moment when I was struggling, I recognized that I was being pulled in two different directions. I wanted to be happy and to have purpose, but I also felt deep despair. A battle was being fought in my mind and I had to figure out how to win!

It was time for me to create affirmations, or as I like to call them declarations, of my own. How could I create a statement about myself that I could be excited to believe? How could I move past writing about the negative thoughts and emotions that kept surfacing and on to something more? Kirk taught me the steps to unlocking the truth of who I really am. In this post, I will explain the five steps I used to improve my self-esteem and how you can do it too.

1. Recognize the negative things you say to yourself

You have probably heard that we are each our harshest critics. I believe that is true. Have you ever caught yourself thinking that what you just did was stupid? Have you ever told yourself that you will never measure up to “them”? Have you ever thought that your nose was too big or that your ears looked weird? These are all examples of negative things that each one of us tells ourselves daily. You probably have so many more examples of negative comments you think about yourself. Take some time today to pay attention to your thoughts. If you said any of those comments to someone else, how would that person feel? Would you ever tell someone else that they are a failure because they forgot one tiny detail in a report or because they didn’t get all the laundry done? If not, why would you say that to yourself? The fact is that we all tell ourselves such hurtful things and we do it all the time. We do it so much that, although we don’t realize it, it has become our “truth”. We begin to believe the lies we tell ourselves because our brains can’t distinguish between truth and lies. They just believe what they are told to believe, whether true or not.

2. Write the negative thoughts down on paper

It is crucial that you write the negative thoughts down on paper. The simple act of writing down the negative thoughts gives evidence to your mind that you have identified the negative thoughts. This is a big step for many people. It can be very hard to recognize the negativity in your mind if it is constantly there. Here’s a secret about the negative thoughts you tell yourself: they are all lies that you have imbedded into your subconscious so deeply that you believe them to be true. Writing them down gets them out of the recesses of your mind and into the open. You will actually see the lies that you have told yourself!

3. Discover your real truth

Once you have discovered the lies that you tell yourself constantly, your next step is to tell yourself the truth. Telling yourself the truth is as simple as turning the negative thought around by finding its opposite statement. For example, you may tell yourself that you are a failure. This is the lie. The opposite statement could be “I am successful in all I do.” Turning lies into truths can feel strange at first because your mind wants to reject any new thoughts that seem contrary to what it “knows”. If this is how you feel, don’t worry. You are actually on the right track.

4. Strengthen your statements of truth

In order for your mind to accept your new statements of truth, also known as affirmations or declarations, and to fight off the lies, your new truth statements must be stronger than your lies. If your new truth is as strong as or weaker than the lies, it will not have a chance against the lies you have told yourself for so long. You must create powerful declarations in order to overcome the lies. In the example above, where “I am a failure” is the lie and “I am successful in all I do” is your new true statement, you can strengthen that new truth by combining it with another statement such as, “I am a huge success in all I do and I am a positive influence in the world.” The key to strengthening your declarations is to make sure that they feel good and that they are powerful. Avoid putting opposites of negatives in your declarations. For example, you would not want to say, “I am not a failure”. Your mind will not hear the word “not” so it will just hear “I am a failure”. This is your chance to recreate the truth you want to believe. Make it as powerful as you possibly can. Your mind will believe anything you tell it to so you might as well have fun with it and make your declaration powerful.

5. Say your Affirmations out loud

Once you have created a list of declarations, read through them out loud with as much passion and energy as you can. The more energy and feeling you can put into saying your declarations, the easier it will be for your mind to begin to believe them. After all, you are trying to fight off the pesky lies that have weaseled their way into your everyday thought process. They won’t go away easily. They will constantly try to creep back in. It may feel strange to say your declarations out loud. If this is the case for you, try saying them when you are alone. When nobody else can hear you, you can let loose. I like to say my declarations at least five times in a row, at least once a day. Obviously the more you say your declarations and the more feeling you put into them, the quicker they will become part of you. I like to create declarations that I can remember easily so I can say them whenever I want. Then, when I notice a negative thought try to creep in, I can use a relevant declaration to offset the lie that I just caught. If I am in public, I can’t always say my declaration out loud. In these situations, I will just think them in my mind over and over until the negative thought goes away.

In this world, there is so much negativity. It is everywhere. I believe we are so bombarded with it that we often don’t even realize that it is there. We have become so numb to the negativity and we just accept it as truth. Then we wonder why there is so much sadness, hostility, anger, etc. around us. Although there might not be anything we can do individually to prevent a global change for the better, we can do something for ourselves. If we want change, that change must start with each of us. You are the only person that you have control over, so take control of your own life, beginning with ridding your mind of negativity (by writing it all down) and replacing it with positive, constructive, powerful thoughts.

Remember, after you have written down all your negative emotions relating to a specific incident, as described here, your work is only half-way done. If you stop after removing the negative emotions, without intentionally replacing them with something better, the negative emotions will return. To prevent the negativity from returning, you will need to intentionally place positive thoughts into your mind. Just like negativity bombards your mind, you will need to bombard your mind with positive thoughts if you want to improve your self-esteem.

“Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn’t mean to take”      – Angela N. Blount

Life doesn’t always go as planned. In fact, it rarely does! What do we do when things don’t go our way? The choice is always ours. That is where our power lies.

One morning a few months ago, as I was driving to an appointment, I came upon some construction at a 4 way stop. I wanted to go left, but when my turn came, the construction worker motioned for me to go straight. I signaled to her that I wanted to go left, and she shook her head no. So, I went straight, which set me back a few minutes.

After this experience, I burst into tears, and cried the entire 20 minute trip. This reaction was very interesting to me. What in the world?! Why did I react so emotionally to such a small setback? I knew it really wasn’t about what had just happened, but about what had been going on in my life. Greg had recently had some health scares, and my children had been diagnosed with vEDS only days before.

As I was thinking about my reaction, I thought about how a lot of the time we don’t get to follow the road we want to choose. No matter how much we plan, sometimes we get taken on a detour, and a lot of the time we want to throw a fit about it. I think this is a natural reaction. Sometimes the detour gets us there faster, sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the road is uphill, sometimes it goes downhill. Sometimes it is a dirt road full of lots of dips and bumps, and we end up on it for a long time, or maybe even the rest of our lives.

There are other people on our detours – people we would never meet otherwise. Other people teach us and need us to help them out of pot holes, etc. Maybe sometimes we are led to these detour roads so we can help others on their way. Others are led to help us on our detours. Sometimes the road seems lonely, but if you only wait, you will realize you’re not really alone. There are other people. There is God. There are angels.

The view is often the most beautiful from the dirt roads. The remote roads hold great beauty as well. Some of the most difficult roads take us up so we can see things from an amazing, new angle. We have a more clear view of the world around us.  

In the end we might be grateful for the detour, for the different scenery we got to see, and for the experiences we had. Sometimes we don’t know or understand why we took the detour for a long time, if ever.

What will we do when life doesn’t go as planned? Sometimes this is the test. Do we turn around? Do we pull over to the side of the road and quit? Do we cry and despair about it? Do we find adventure, and get our Jeep out?  How do you react when life doesn’t go as planned? I have learned some things about this.

1. Lean into negative emotion

It’s okay, and even good, to feel negative emotion when things don’t go your way. No emotion is ‘bad’. There are emotions that are uncomfortable, but not bad. When I say lean in, I mean let yourself feel it. Be okay with feeling it. This is the only way to truly process your emotions. I have had a lot of reactions as I have gone on some pretty big detours the past couple years with the birth of our son, and shortly after, the diagnoses of vEDS for half of my family. I have thrown fits, I have cried, I have wished I could do a U-turn and go back to the road I wanted to be on. I think it’s very important to go through all of this and to feel all of the emotions, to lean into them. That is how to get through them. It’s important to not let the negative emotions take over your life, but so so important to let them come and to feel them. It definitely helps to use techniques to release negative emotion, such as in this post by Greg.

2. Remember that you have power in any situation

The power you always have is choice. You get to choose how you react, and this makes all the difference in the outcome. How you react and conduct yourself is really the only thing you have control over. I have learned that I get to control what happens inside of me. Outside of me can be a complete whirlwind around me, but can I stay calm? Can I find joy? Can I still love my life? Yes! I have found this to be true. It is all about mindset.

3. Enjoy the journey

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “So often we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to enjoy the journey”. Greg and I watched “The Shack” a while back. In the movie, the main character was being taken on a journey, and he asked where he was going. He was told to not worry about the destination, and to just enjoy the journey. That really stuck with me. It’s easy to jump to the future and wonder where I’m going, how long it will take, etc. There is so much uncertainty. It’s easy to be afraid. But the journey can also be beautiful, even when it’s full of pot holes and mud. There is beauty and joy everywhere, even in the uncertainty and the sadness. It’s always there. Sometimes you just have to look harder.

4. Open mindedness

This goes along with #2 and #3. Can you be open minded about the road you are on? Can you find the opportunities? Every situation, whether you define it as good or bad, comes with opportunities. I truly believe that everything is going to be okay in any situation. Maybe my definition of okay has to change a little bit, but in the end, I will accept whatever happens in life and find joy in the life I have. Can I be open minded enough to see the beauty on the bumpiest, muddiest, steepest road? Can I look past the hard and find the beauty? Can I look outside of myself and find opportunities to lift others on my way?  

5. Faith and Gratitude

I’m grateful that on my detours, I can have faith in One who is much bigger than me; faith that somehow it will be for my good, and that His plans for me are better than my own. Maybe someday it will make more sense why I’m on this road. Maybe it won’t. But I am grateful for the things I have learned on my detours, for the things I have seen, for the people I have met along the way. As I have learned to express gratitude for the good, and even the bad things in my life, I have found increased peace and joy.

Life is full of ups and downs, and it is full of detours. I have often joked that God laughs when we make plans because He knows the true path your life will take, and sometimes it isn’t the one you are planning on. Despite this fact, it is important to keep making plans, keep dreaming, keep living. And when the detours come, take them with excitement for the opportunities they will present. I am grateful for the new perspective I have and for the view I see from the road I am on. 

 

 

Have you ever taken time to analyze your thoughts or emotions? When you are in the middle of a “bad day” how can you get out of it? What do you do? Do you believe that you are helpless in the situation and that you can only wait it out? If so, is your whole day ruined if something doesn’t go as planned when you first wake up? Is the day just a lost cause? I hope not. Sometimes you may feel justified in wallowing in self pity for a while. However, there is a time when you’ve got to pick yourself back up and move on. Over the last year, I have learned (and relearned) valuable ways to pick myself up and get going again.

In the last year, I have learned that I can control my thoughts. In fact, I am the only one who truly can control them. Nobody else can think for me. Other people may try to influence how I think, but ultimately the choice is mine. When hard situations arise, just remembering that I have control of my thoughts gives me power. I admit that I am not perfect at controlling my thoughts. I still have so much room for progress. However, I am making progress. I would like to share with you five simple steps that I do to release negative emotion.

Grab a pen, paper, and something to write on

It may sound simple, but one thing I do to gain more control over my thoughts and to identify my emotions is to write about them. When I have a particularly hard day, I will get out a pen and paper and start writing.

Write “I feel ___ because…” at the top of your paper

Start by describing the situation that you have been dealing with. Then let the pen go. Write everything that you can think of. Write all the ugly thoughts that have come to mind. Throw out all your emotions. Scream and yell and throw a good old temper tantrum at the paper. Get it all out if you possibly can. It will feel so good to let go of all the negative thoughts and emotions that have been bottled up. Then something amazing happens. You may start writing about another situation that is like what you have just been facing and get it all out. While I write, I get so engrossed in my writing that everything around me vanishes. All I see is my paper and pen and my hand moving so fast trying to keep up to my thoughts.

Let your subconscious take over

Don’t worry about what anybody else thinks. They don’t get to control your thoughts because they won’t see them. This paper is just for you. You have complete freedom to say whatever you want, in whatever way you want. If you want to do it in big letters, go right ahead. Throw blame around like it’s going out of style. Bring up past experiences if you want. The key here is to truly get into your subconscious and let it loose. Once you do, you will be amazed at what else comes out onto your paper.

Write until you can’t think of anything else to write

If you have done this properly, your paper should be full. You may even have gone on to a second page. You will know you are done when you can’t think of anything else to write. You will feel satisfied with what you have put down on paper.

Take a deep breath… and then destroy the evidence

Like I said, this paper is just for you. Once you have written everything you can think to write, you no longer need the paper, so get rid of it. Burn it, shred it, crumple it, stomp on it, etc. Whatever makes you feel good. This paper represents all the negative emotion that you just got out. You don’t want the negative emotions anymore, so get rid of them in the most dramatic way that you want.

Unlock the power of a clear mind

There are a few reasons that I choose to write my thoughts and emotions. First, writing gives me total freedom to write whatever is in my mind because I know that once I am done writing, I will destroy the paper. Nobody else needs to see what I have written. Nobody wants to know what is in my mind. This way, I have total freedom to express exactly what is in my mind without worrying about what anybody else thinks. Another reason I write is so I can organize my thoughts better. I find that I can explain my thought process better on paper than I can if I just stew in my mind about something. I have learned that there is something magical about writing. When I really get into my writing, I can dig deep into my subconscious to pull out negative emotions and thoughts that I have been holding onto for years, sometimes even my whole life. When I write about something I have been holding onto my whole life, it is like a huge weight has been lifted. Experiencing a connection between conscious and subconscious mind is so exhilarating!

Does writing about a rough situation make the situation change? The answer to that is often no. What it does, though, is gives you the opportunity to let go of the negative emotions enough to start seeing that there may be something to gain from the difficulties you are facing. You may discover a solution to your problem. You may just feel good letting off steam that has been building for a while.

I must admit that I have written so many times about having vEDS. I have written about the initial incident that put me in the hospital. I have written about receiving the diagnosis. I have written about when we received the results of our kids’ tests. I have written about as many “unfair” things about vEDS. Has this taken vEDS away? If only it was so easy! It hasn’t taken away the effects of vEDS. It hasn’t taken away the fact that I have pain regularly or that our family life has changed forever. What it has done is helped me learn how to process such a life-changing experience. It has helped me connect with my emotions, which is something that I used to be afraid of. Connecting with my emotions has helped me sort through them instead of just shoving them and trying to ignore them.

I know that I still have so much emotional discovery to experience. My subconscious has been holding on to so many negative emotions over the years, even before I was diagnosed with vEDS. I would suggest that, if you take time to try this for yourself, you will realize that your subconscious is holding on to too much garbage too.

This is considered a release technique because you are releasing negativity. You must replace the negative thoughts with something or your mind will fill in the empty spaces for you. In my next post, I will teach you what you can do to replace the negativity with thoughts that will serve you better.