It has been a very long time since I have posted anything on our blog. Taya has encouraged me many times to write something, but I haven’t felt like I was in a position to do so. 2019 has been such a difficult year for me in more ways than one. I have often felt like I was just struggling to survive, let alone live with purpose. I finally feel like I am ready to write something of value to someone else. I have to say that I a grateful for the opportunity to put my thoughts and experiences down in written word because sometimes it is just too hard to vocalize them.
With my diagnosis comes so many challenges. I won’t even attempt to write them in any particular order of importance or severity because it seems like they are all just as weighty. There is the uncertainty of each and every moment. We have learned that our life is so unpredictable because I could be having a good day and then find myself in the ER that same afternoon. We also know that I have passed this health condition on to three of our children. We have already seen a few rough situations for our children who have vEDS. My condition is not just my condition; it impacts the whole family. When I don’t come home from work at my normal time because I stopped at the ER, Taya has to somehow explain to our children what is happening. Oftentimes we don’t really know. The nature of vEDS is so unknown in many respects because each person’s experience with it is so different. Because of this, there are so many doctor’s appointments, often with little results or direction. All of these reasons, and more, have made life difficult. I have felt the weight of that so much this year.
I Thought Things Might Get Better, But They Didn’t
Near the beginning of this year, I was struggling mentally and emotionally. We had a family humanitarian aid trip to Mexico planned and I was looking forward to that, but I wasn’t very excited about anything else in my life. The trip to Mexico came and went so quickly. It was so fun to experience a new culture and to try to forget myself for a few days. I didn’t expect to return to Utah feeling sorry for myself because of all the poverty that we experienced, but that is exactly what happened. I feel like I sunk into a deep hole that I couldn’t get out of by myself.
I felt like things were so bad in my mind that I decided to get some help. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. As with any good doctor, I needed to wait over a month to finally get in. There were some days that I didn’t feel like I could wait, but I knew I needed to, so I did somehow.
Getting Help
Finally the day of my first appointment came. I was nervous, not knowing anything about my counselor. As the hour of my appointment got closer and closer, I found myself wanting to cancel my appointment because I was so uncomfortable. Instead, I stuck with it and went to my appointment. I was glad I did. I wouldn’t say that the first visit was earth-shattering or anything, but it was a start down a path of healing. My therapist works with people on a spiritual level, involving the Gospel in each session. After the groundwork was done in the first session, my therapist and I dove deeper into my thoughts.
At this same time, I was struggling in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. How could He abandon me to this life of pain and grief? How could He just stand by and watch my family and me suffer with the life sentence of vEDS? I have had other moments in my life in which I felt abandoned. This was another time, another huge time, of abandonment in my mind. I had been feeling like God wasn’t listening to my prayers. He wasn’t there for me and never would be because I was just destined to live my life in misery. I tried to listen to uplifting music, tried to read my scriptures, but found myself not believing that the messages of peace applied to me.
I talked about all of this with my therapist. She and I talked about my feelings of being abandoned by my Father. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about at the moment, but there came a moment when I felt an absolutely overwhelming feeling of love. I felt like arms were being wrapped around me. It was such an unmistakable feeling that I know from other times in my life can only come from my Heavenly Father. It was such a wonderful experience that I wanted to bask in it forever!
God Only Knows
My therapy session ended with multiple soaked tissues and me feeling 50 pounds lighter spiritually. I got in my car and took a deep, cleansing breath. For the first time in months, I actually felt like my Heavenly Father was there and that He loved me. I turned the car on and began to drive home. I had the radio on like I usually do. In an effort to bring the Spirit into my life, I listen to Christian music most of the time. This was no exception. However, I believe it was no coincidence that the song on the radio was playing at the exact right time for me. I had heard it so many times before, but this time it meant so much more. The song is “God only Knows” by For King and Country. Here are the words to the song (in part):
Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There’s a kind of love that God only knows…
He Understands What I’m Going Through
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Oh, Greg, I pray often for you and Taya and your family. When bad things happen to good people, we all want to shout, “Why?!” The spiritual growth is evident as you both navigate this Life 999 course you have been enrolled in. Thank you for teaching us all. Hugs and prayers. Love you both. Aunt Bette