Melancholy Suits Me

Half of our lives are spent in the darkness of night. Why do we want to dismiss this fact, and only see the light? “Choose to be happy,” people say. Why is it wrong to actually feel things? Why is it wrong to sit in the darkness of the night and recognize its presence?

I know that some people are uncomfortable with my rawness. I know it’s hard for them, and that I concern some with the things I say. But I see nothing wrong with acknowledging the darkness in my life. It is not healthy to avoid the difficult feelings and cover them up with smiles and sunshine. 

I am more cynical and pessimistic than I was in the past. I used to consider myself an optimist, and in a way I still am. But I also see loss in everything now. Truthfully, there is loss in everything. It is just not comfortable to see it. It can feel scary. I see sadness in things I never did before. Every special occasion is full of sadness now. Every holiday, birthday, first experience. Celebrating is harder because there has to be sadness behind it as well. There is sadness in the happiest of times, just as there can be joy in the saddest of times. I wish more could understand this. I am not dwelling on the negative. I am acknowledging it. 

Life is fuller when I acknowledge the darkness, when I welcome it into my life. It’s there, just as surely as night falls on the earth each night. When I acknowledge the darkness, the moments of light are brighter. The truth is that where there is love there is also loss. Where there is beauty there is also devastation. Where there is light there is also darkness. Melancholy suits me, and I don’t see how I could be any other way.

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