I woke up this morning with a lump of anxiety in my chest. I got up early to get some things done, and I had planned out exactly what those things were, but the lump won. I realized I was not okay, and I wasn’t going to ignore that feeling. Instead of doing my checklist, I let myself feel my feelings. I did some tapping, cried in my bed, and then decided to come write it out. I let myself slow down and feel some very big things I didn’t even know I needed to feel.
Yesterday was rough. Like really really extremely rough. The strange thing is that yesterday I didn’t know why. It seemed so strange to me that I was such a mess. I was beyond stressed, overwhelmed, and not a nice person to be around. But this morning when I woke up feeling anxious, it was clear to me that I have been numbing my big emotions by staying busy. A coping strategy I have and use often is to stay busy. I am a busy person. If you see me sitting around doing nothing, you will know I am very very sick. I am a goer and a doer. I love a good project, and I love the feeling of getting it done. But my tendency to go go go often keeps me so busy that I’m not in touch with myself and my emotions. I can’t even recognize them because I’m moving too fast. A lot of the time I stay busy so I don’t have to feel them.
But this morning, I was proud of myself for honoring my emotions and letting myself be with them and feel them. I validated that YES, I have good reason to be anxious and overwhelmed! August’s surgery is a week from today, and I obviously haven’t allowed myself to process that the way I need to. It’s okay if I’m still scared, and it’s okay if it is bringing up other thoughts and emotions that are uncomfortable. It’s okay that I don’t feel okay today. For me, letting myself not be okay is a big step to dealing with the hard things in my life.
I am generally an optimistic person. I am good at finding gratitude and joy, even in hard times. I think that’s a good strength. But it’s also important to acknowledge the uncomfortable emotions that come up and let them happen.