I Wish I Could Turn Back Time

Have you ever wished you could just rewind a week or two and have a redo? I wish that so much right now. I wish we could rewind to March 29, 2023, when my dad first went to the hospital. I wish we could have a different outcome. One that my daddy survived and was making a speedy recovery. Instead, today we had his funeral. Today, everyone who loves him gathered together, sang, cried, and laughed. It was beautiful. But it wasn’t supposed to happen. I want him back. 

My family has had so much loss. It feels like the hard things will never stop hitting us. One of my kids’ doctors told me that warriors don’t usually get breaks. I don’t want to be a warrior. It’s totally overrated. It doesn’t feel fair that we have to say goodbye to yet another important person in our lives.

My sweet kids…I worry about them. It was traumatic for them to see their Papa in the casket. Maybe more traumatic than it was for them to see their dad. Maybe it was just too soon for it to bring any semblance of peace. But today they were brave, and they all said they were glad they were able to honor their Papa. I’m proud of them.

My kids worry about me too. Levi said the dinner prayer tonight, and he said, “Please bless that Mom can be happy.” They know I have a heavy burden, and sometimes they try to help me carry it. I wish they didn’t have to feel that way. We had a good talk about how it’s okay that I’m sad because my daddy died. They get it. Their daddy died too. And their Papa. But they just want things to be okay. So do I. I would really love that rewind. 

On a happier note, something I am grateful for this week is the time I have spent with family, and for the many people who have reached out to us all. This week has been a reminder that we are cared for. It feels like I need frequent reminders these days because life is hard, and it’s easy to feel alone. Thank you for that reminder.

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