Finishing an Unfinished Story

So much is unresolved in my relationship with Greg, and that has been unsettling. It has caused confusing feelings and compounded things for me as well the kids. As I have mentioned before, when Greg died, things weren’t amazing in our relationship or in our family. We were dealing with some big things, and it was very important that they were resolved. Then he just died…It feels unfair for so many reasons. It’s unfair to the kids, to me, and to Greg. The story ended abruptly in the middle of a very difficult time. We didn’t get to finish writing it. We will never know what could have and would have been. 

I have tortured myself wondering what would have happened if Greg had lived. I have questioned some of my decisions and wondered if I would have made the same choices had I known Greg was going to die. It is easy to ask questions about what could have been. The hard thing about these questions is they are not possible to answer. We will never know what would have happened. The same goes for a lot of things in life. For example, it’s easy to wonder if things would be different for August if I had chosen to have him in the hospital instead of at home. Maybe they would, and maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe they would be worse. We will never know. 

I was talking to my therapist about my confusing feelings (she seems to be getting a lot of mentions here lately), and she asked me what the fairytale ending to the story would be if I could choose it. I told her that if I could choose how I wanted things to go, the changes that needed to be made would be made, our family would be able to heal, and we would live happily ever after. “Why can’t you just believe that?” she asked. This question has been life changing for me.  It sounds so simple, and it really is because I can choose the story I tell myself. 

The reality is that Greg died. That is how the story ends. We were in the middle of some junk, and then he died. I will never know what would have happened had he not passed away, only what did happen. Believing that things would be happy in the end gives me a lot of peace and has been very freeing for me. If I choose to believe that, I don’t have to wonder and worry about it. I believe that Greg can continue to progress where he is, and that with his different perspective, maybe he has better insights into how to do it. I can continue to progress here on the Earth as well. We can both do what needs to be done so that when we are reunited things are happy and beautiful. I am happy to believe this beautiful fairytale ending, and I believe that I will get it. I’m grateful for the peace that choosing the end to my unfinished story has given me. 

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