Finding Faith

Note: I wrote this last night before Levi’s surgery was cancelled. This is a very vulnerable post, and I wanted to sleep on it before posting it. It is really a journal entry (like all of my other posts) that I didn’t ever plan to post. I definitely don’t post everything I write. But it’s real, and I know I can’t be alone, even though I feel like I am. I am going to put myself out there today and hope I don’t regret it. I am actually quite optimistic by nature and want everyone to know that I do not always feel so negative. Please don’t be concerned. I’m just dealing with a lot. I’m still capable of finding good in my life. But here is a real and unsugar-coated post. Welcome to my pity party.

 

Today has been a very emotional day. Church was hard, and it usually is these days. It’s hard to feel alone in a crowd. It’s hard to feel that I fall short because the hardships of my life are so overwhelming, and I just can’t think or feel like everyone else. It’s hard to feel like the Lord cares about me. My life is and has been SO HARD. I feel guilty writing that, but where the heck is He? Why can’t I catch a break? It has been one big thing after another for over 6 years. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. My baby almost dies during birth and his arm is paralyzed. Major surgeries. Tons of PT and OT that continue to this day. Greg ends up in the ICU. Half of my family has a deadly genetic condition. More surgeries. My own health struggles. Greg’s health struggles. Family problems. Greg’s death. Mental health issues. More surgeries. I could keep going, but I won’t.

I don’t know how to reconcile this. I feel forsaken and forgotten. I feel abandoned. I was good at being faithful for quite some time. I was good at seeing God’s hand in my life. I could find beauty in any situation. But it’s really hard right now. I’m too beaten down. He’s hiding pretty well. I’m at the point where I don’t know how to have faith anymore. It’s hard for me to believe that ALL of this is for my good. That for some reason, I need to be refined in such a drastic way. That thought offends me. Don’t say that to people, please. 

I know a lot about positive thinking, mindset, gratitude, etc. I have practiced those things. I have seen them work. I know that looking for positive will help me see more positive in my life. Looking for God will help me see Him. Seriously though, I’m tired of playing hide and seek. It’s too much. I guess I’m one of those people who lets their hard things turn them away from God. Maybe I’m bitter. I’m definitely bitter. But really, I don’t think it’s fair to judge me or shame me or make me feel like I’m faithless and wrong. That isn’t helpful. I hope I can work through this. I just don’t know how. I’ve been through too much. No one will be able to say the right thing to help this all seem okay. It’s best not to try. Maybe I just need people to agree with me that life sucks right now and love me where I am.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about Levi’s surgery that is coming up in the morning, and I let myself get emotional about it for the first time. I have been through a lot of kid surgeries, and this isn’t the first time I’ve had to do it on my own. It is the first time I’ve had to do it without Greg on this Earth though.  I know I have a hard day ahead, and that I will have to feel some of the feelings tomorrow. Sometimes I feel numb about things because otherwise I would be a complete disaster all the time. It’s almost like I just expect a hard thing around the corner because it’s easier to expect it than to be blindsided. I’ve been beaten into submission, and now I’m just numb to it all. I would love to feel like God has an interest in making my burdens lighter, but it seems more like He’s saying, “Here’s one more. Oh, I forgot this one! It’s not too much, right?” It’s too much. I’m tired.

2 Replies to “Finding Faith”

  1. You are so amazing Taya to share all of this with us! Truthfully we have all felt this way before but lack the courage it takes to admit it to others. I feel like life is just so hard sometimes and it takes all we have to just get through it and you have been dealt some extra hard trials. I don’t believe for a minute you need to be refined, you are a strong intelligent and kind woman. I know others such as myself are learning so much from you and so are your children. You are a woman warrior!

  2. Dear precious Taya, you have had such a boatload of trials these past few years. You are bound to feel down and out at times. The fact is that you continue to do what’s necessary to bless and keep your family where they need to be. I salute you for all you’ve been able to do. I was up at 3 am this morning, grumbling a bit for having been awakened, but then I stepped out on my front porch, looked up and saw the most beautiful full moon in the sky! There were clouds, and sure enough, there were silver linings. Sweetie, keep hanging on. Your sweet Jesus loves you, and he has felt your pain, sorrow, and afflictions. It will be more obvious later. I love, respect, and admire you for a thousand reasons.

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