Greg is at the Emergency Room right now. I don’t think I can count the number of times he has been in the ER since April 2017. It’s a lot. At least every 3 months, usually much more frequently than that. I usually don’t tell anyone. I don’t like to get people worried. I don’t like the attention. I don’t like it when everyone calls me, and having to tell the same story a million times. But today, I told a couple really close friends, and I realized that maybe it’s important to let people know sometimes. It means a lot to feel the love and concern of others. Sometimes it’s good to remember I’m not alone, that I have people who care.
These days are hard. I try to go about life as usual, even though my mind and emotions are not on daily tasks at all. I don’t tell the kids unless it’s necessary. There’s no point in getting them worried too. There is so much uncertainty in my life. Days like today shake me up and bring that to the front of my awareness. What if this is it? Do I need to start planning for a funeral? Will things ever be the same? What if instead of Greg dying he is disabled? Can I handle that?
I am a homeschool mom of 6 children. I want to continue that. I feel strongly that it is what I am supposed to do, and this decision is 100% a decision of faith. Days like today make me wonder why this is the right thing for our family. How is it going to be possible for me to continue this if/when he dies? What if he is disabled for a time? What would I do? How could I possibly be a homeschool mom, caregiver, and somehow provider as well? How can I do it all? Reality is I can’t, and that scares me.
My mind jumps way too far into the future. It is emotionally draining. It is hard to live like this. I didn’t think I was angry until I slammed my bedroom door to be alone. But I am angry. Angry with God. Angry with life. I am sad today. Sad that this is my reality. I’m sad that I don’t know how many more days like this I will have to endure. I’m sad that I never know if tomorrow will be another rough day, or if we will be spending it in the hospital. It’s hard to make plans too far into the future. It feels like a never-ending roller coaster. We never know if we’re going up or down or upside down.
My strategy has become: Don’t worry about anything unless I need to. That is so much easier said than done. I think I do a pretty decent job of it, but I think it is inevitable that some anxiety and uncertainty creeps in. I wouldn’t be human if it didn’t.
Despite all this, I have also been given some peace today. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who truly never makes me deal with this alone. Sometimes it feels like it, but if I really look, I know that isn’t true. I am grateful for angels on earth, and also those who are unseen. Those around me have truly shown me the power of prayer, service, and love. They are amazing examples to me, and I am grateful that they have helped share God’s love with me today and in the past few years.