Anger is something I have felt a lot since Greg’s diagnosis. It seems like our brains have to blame someone or something for the bad things that happen. Otherwise, it’s harder to make sense of them. So, we put our anger in places that aren’t always appropriate.
When Greg was diagnosed with vEDS, I was very angry with him. I realized that this was irrational, but it was something I had to go through. I was angry that he was eventually going to just leave me and the kids. It seemed like he got the easier way out (and I still think that maybe he did). I was angry that he had given this terrible illness to half of my kids, and that he didn’t seem too concerned about it. At first, the news that Greg had vEDS caused him to go into a deep depression. He wasn’t able to see anyone else’s pain because his own was so deep. He did eventually feel some grief over the fact that our kids have vEDS as well, but it took him some time. He didn’t want to stay on the earth, and that made me angry. I was so angry, and I felt very abandoned and betrayed by him. I have felt anger toward him since his death as well, especially for abandoning me and the difficult timing of everything.
I have also felt angry with God. God is an easy place to put blame for practically anything. My anger with God started when August was born. I chose to have him at home because I felt that if it wasn’t right, I would feel prompted to have him at the hospital. That didn’t happen. I never got a warning. The whole time, I felt like whatever I chose was okay. Why did God let this happen? Why would He put such a huge burden on me and my family with the consequences of August’s birth and then the vEDS? It’s not fair. My view of God and His part in my life has had to change for me to find peace with Him and continue to have a relationship with Him. That is something for another post.
When we were first processing the vEDS diagnoses, I felt angry with Greg’s parents. I hesitate to include this because they will read this, and I love them dearly. But it’s true. I was angry with them for having genes that mutated to create vEDS in Greg. This is a very irrational (and laughable) place to put blame because they had absolutely no control over their genes. But anger is irrational. It doesn’t always make sense. I am over this anger now.
Earlier this week, I was talking to my therapist about my anger toward Greg. She suggested that instead of being angry at people, I could be angry with vEDS. I think this is a much healthier place to put the anger, and it’s weirdly exciting. I have never once been angry at vEDS, even though it is the cause of most of my big problems in life. It makes so much sense.
VEDS is what caused August’s birth to go haywire. Because of vEDS, his cord ruptured, and as a result, his nerves were injured. VEDS can be blamed for the fact that his arm is still very affected by what happened at his birth. It can be blamed for all of his surgeries, all of the therapy appointments we go to, and all of the heartache that I have felt for my baby.
VEDS is what took Greg away. He didn’t choose to leave. He is just as innocent in all of this as I am. I feel that he wishes he could still be here with us, though I am sure there are some perks to his current existence.
VEDS is part of what causes me to stay up at night worrying about my kids. All of the scary fears that could be a reality. It is responsible for the fact that when I chose plots, I wondered if I should just buy five plots instead of two. It is why I still consider doing this. It is the reason for so many of my concerns about my children.
I really hate vEDS, and I am looking forward to many more years of being angry with it.